Funny Stuff

Jokes, skits, and such should go here. Let me give you one to start things off.

A preist and a nun are playing golf. The preist walks up to the ball, and hits it as hard as he can. He misses the hole by a few feet. "Dam, I missed." the preist said. The nun, in shock to hear him say this, says, "You shouldn't say things like that. It is very ungodly." The preist apologizes, anmd they move to the next hole. Again, the preist walks up to the ball, hits it as hard as he can, and misses by about a foot. "Dam, I missed." He says again. This goes on to the 17th hole. After the preist swore again, the nun was very upset. She told the preist, "If you don't stop, God will strike you with a bolt of lightning for your actions. So, they walk up to the next hole, and the preist misses, yet again. And, in a furious rage, screams "DAM, I MISSED!". Then, the sky darkens. It starts to pour down rain. And then a bolt of lighting came down and... struck the nun. Then, a deep voice from the sky says, "Dam, I missed.".

Your momma.

^
Not funny. Although i've heard he11ix's joke before oddly enough.

...that was great!

so a guy walks into a bar and orders a couple of drinks and 2 squirrels walk in and sit down and order a drink. The man surprised walks over to them and asks where they learned to talk.
squirrels-dang son...you must be drunk...there's only one of me

my dad's dumbest joke

This is an old one.

A man sitting in a pub sees a panda walk in. The panda sits down and orders a sandwich. Once he finished, he pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. Then he headed for the door. The man stopped him and asked, "Why did you just do that?" The panda hands him a badly punctuated dictionary with a bookmark in it. The man opens the book and sees the definition for panda. In the definition, it said, "Eats, shoots, and leaves."

Another comma joke:

I saw an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajama's I'll never know.

MY TURN!!!
kk,i have a couple of short ones...[sarcasm]cover ur mouth when u feel a laugh coming on [/sarcasm]

Q:what do u call a cat crossed with a doctor?
A:u get a cat with a low golf handycap

(yeah,i dont get that one either)

S*:i knew a dog who was so ugly,cars chased him

*-it means "statement joke",as in its just a funny statement

Q:what do u call a padalin with wings and arrows in them?
A:holey

SXL**:This cat is walking down the street when a big surly dog jumps out,picks the cat up,and throws him against a wall
he picks the cat back up and says "ur money or ur nine lives"

*pause for laughter...or tomatoes*

**an extra long statement joke

more will be coming....but my throught hurts and im tired,so thats it for now

ok so a guy walks into a bar and sits down...The bartender says, "We have a special going on right now"

the guy says "Really? What is it?"

The bartender replies "We'll give you free beer...But first...There's an alligator with a sore tooth through that door, you have to wrestle it and pulls its tooth out...Then there's a horny chick upstairs, you have to have sex with her until she screams."

The guy says "Oh i think i'll pass..."

Later, after the guy has had a couple of drinks he says "Ok i'm going to do it" and he goes into the door with the alligator...There are a couple of noises due to the struggle but the guy comes out eventually.

he says "So where's the chick with the sore tooth?"

........

EWWWWW!!!!
Zak,thats not funny!!!!
thats GROSS!!!!

*pretends to gag,nose wrinkling*

mehehe been wating for me to post kk here it is not that good but listen (or read?)

"a duck walks into a bar and says"got any grapes?" the bartender says no. the duck comes back and asks the same thing and the bartender says no. the duck comes back again asking the same question and the bartender says"If you ask me that again ill staple ur bill shut" the duck comes back again and asks" got any staples?" (bartender)"no" then the duck says" got any grapes?"

Here's a story I heard the other day. I gave it two names. One is "The City Of Trids". The other is "Thread reviver".

There was once a town in the purple plains of Pinto. The town was inhabited by the most annoying creatures in the world. Trids. One day, a giant came and stole all the food. The next day when everyone noticed, the mayor had this to say. "I shall see that all our food is returned, my people! I shall return with the food within the hour!"

And so, the mayor set off on his journey. He climbed to the tallest mountian, went to the tallest peak. There, he found the giant's castle. The smell of delicaces from all over Pinto wafted through the windows. The mayor, as confident as ever, knocked on the giant's door. When the giant opened the door, the mayor said, "Give all our food back, or I'll file a law suit on your big, oversized butt!"

The giant was angered by the mayor's rudeness. In an angry rage, the giant kicked the mayor off the mountian. The mayor crashed into the town, leaving a huge crater. After the paramedics took the poor trid to the hospital, the citizens started talking. One trid stood up on the podium and said, "I am Anthony Wartsneggger! I am the strongest of any trid here, maybe strong enough to defeat the giant that was injured our mayor!"

The crowd cheered him on, and Anthony set out to the giant's castle. When he finally reached the castle, he was exausted. He knocked on the giant's door. The giant stepped out and said, "YOU INTURRUPTED MY ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?"

Anthony started pounding on the giant's toe. This would have hurt the great beast, but Anthony was so tired he could hardly do anything. So with this, the giant kicked him off the mountian. Anthony smashed into the very same crater the mayor made, and was carried off by the paramedics. The crowd started panicing a bit. They knew that they needed someone who would stay healthy and well rested until they got to the giant's lair. Then, Dr. Dobig, the animal trainer, stepped up to the job. "I can ride my horse there, and then give that giant a good talking to."

The crowd couldn't think of anything better, so they sent Dr. Dobig off. When Dobig got to the castle, she was definately in better shape then Anthony was. She stepped up to the door, and knocked. The giant stepped out and saw the doctor. He also saw the horse. "A-a-a-a horse? I'm... *sniffle* ALLERGIC!"

The giant sneezed, and was sent flying backwards. In the blast, he kicked Dobig and the horse back to town. The paramedics, and the vet, took them away. The citizens had no idea what to try next. Then, a dad in his 40s stepped up with his teenage daughter. "Maybe my daughter can convince the giant to give back the food."

The citizens figured, "what the heck", and sent the girl off. She came back a few minutes later. "Come on, there is no way you are making me go up there. I might break out in zits from all the sweat." The citizens strapped her to a rocket and launched her there. She crash landed at the foot of the door. She knocked, and the giant walked out. The teenager saw him and said, "You are like, the ugliest thing I've ever seen. You better give us back our food, Mr. I've never heard of showers."

The giant, of course, kicked her off the mountian. The citizens had no idea what to do. The mayor, finally out of the hospital, rolled up in a wheelchair and said, "We know nothing about the giant. We need someone who knows more about the giant."

A rabbi from the nearby village of Leppaloo stepped up. "My village has had previous encounters with the giant. He sounds terrible. I, myself, have not heard much of him. But I'm sure I might be able to do something."

The rabbi set off to the giant, growing more nervous with every step. He was terrified of being kicked off the mountian like the trids had been. When he finally got to the castle, he was having a panic attack. He knocked on the door, and started whimpering. The giant stepped out and saw the rabbi. A great smile appeared on his face. "Come on in, I was just making dinner."

The rabbi was confused. "Aren't you going to kick me off the mountian?"

The giant chuckled hartily and said, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for trids!"